threedays.co.uk » Blog Archive » Why Men Hate Going to Church

I’ve started reading a book; “Why Men Hate Going to Church” by David Murrow. And all I can say is, wow! I’m only a few chapters in and it sums me up beautifully.

Having only just started I’ve not really had a chance to come to anything like a full opinion but I thought I would brain dump some of my initial thoughts simply because I am never been so surprised by a book before. It was recommended to me by one of the elders in our church as I think he too was quite surprised by it. It’s got that air of Americanisation about it (sorry to our readers from across the pond) which generally puts me off, however, aside from a few cultural references, this does not come across in the content and certainly does not suffer for it.

Why was I wowed?

So why was I wowed? Well, simply, as mentioned above, it described me and the way I have been feeling about church for couple of years now. It puts into words some feelings I’ve been unable to articulate before. It remains to be seen if it is any good at offering solutions. *smile*

The general point of the book is to look at how the church (and Christianity) has been feminised and therefore why men, generally speaking, stay away. Men don’t seem to fit into church life very well and this book suggests that it is actually not their fault. Instead, it is the fault of a system that is designed for women. A religion that is feminine.

The system is flawed

He starts with a quote which I have heard twice before in books that also have been about the church.

“A system produces exactly what it was designed to produced”

Dallas Willard uses it when he talks about the churches inability to produce disciples in his book “The Spirit of the Disciplines“. Also David Pawson uses it when he also talks about the lack of men in the church while comparing it to Islam (and the masses of very proud men associated with it) in his book “The Challenge of Islam to Christians“.

The masculine dream

For the purposes of the book men (and younger adults) and women are split into two, very general groups. Women seek security, safety, love, relationship, etc etc. Men seek danger, risk taking, competition, ambition, goals, etc etc. Now ask the question, what is church about? I’m guessing most people would use words from the first group, not the second. This is why men hate going to church. The very things that make up a masculine person are far from encourage, and often discouraged, in my church settings.

Of course, I’m not suggesting (and neither is David Murrow) that the things on the first list are bad. I’m simply suggesting that the church is out of balance.

Men are described as having a dream to save the world, against impossible odds, where they are hero. When I read that my sprit jumped and a lot of things from my experience of church over the last few years started to make sense for me.

Not naive after all

I’ve talked on here before about how maybe my former feelings about my role within a church were no more than youthful, naive, exuberance. But thinking about it in the light of this; what was I doing at the time? I was involved in a team who had a practically unachievable goal. We were going to be involved in saving the world (or at least our city). We were taking risks, a lot; we put ourselves on the line, maybe not physically, but spiritually, emotionally, often financially to chase after our goal. There was camaraderie, competition as we strived for excellence, we had high expectations of each other (and held each accountable) without it turning into strict rules about behavior but instead letting grace rule and leaving correction up to the holy spirit. This wasn’t the naivety of youth that kept us going, it was being able to express ourselves as we were designed to do it.

Why do men hate going to church? Because men want to take risks, compete, excel, achieve, and be challenged. If men don’t find it in church they will find it elsewhere. Sports teams (playing or watching), work, building stuff, etc etc. Why are there less and less men in church? Because the very things that come naturally to us are not needed and, often, even frowned upon.